My girlfriend read the Conan stories recently so I thought I’d borrow the movie from Aro Video and watch it with her. Rewatching it after fifteen years or so I was expecting to find it stupid and pointless, but actually it made me nostalgic for when stupid and pointless movies used to be simple and entertaining.

I was thinking of all the unbearable changes they’d make to the films if they remade them. Everyone would have short hair for a start, probably that short spiky hair style that almost every male has had for the last decade. There would also be designer stubble. Conan would be 18 and full of angst. Probably he would pout and say ‘it’s not fair!’ when the baddies gang up on him. Other times he’d just have an obnoxious smirk all the time. He’d have an annoying excitable sidekick straight out of Buffy the Vampire Slayer who’d make up words (‘wordificate’) all the time. The final act of revenge would be an epic computer generated battle with lots of explosions, rather than Arnie’s understated cutting-off-of-the-head. There would be WAY more dialogue, because what the world really needs is a couple of mismatched barbarians comedically discussing how to get blood stains out of leather. And Conan and the love interest would hate each other on first sight and exchange cutting remarks for three quarters of the film, even though the story isn’t really that much of a romantic comedy.

To summarise, Conan may be dated sword-and-sandal trash, but it’s still much better than UPdated sword-and-sandal trash.