Talk really, really loudly on the phone. Every night. For hours. Yell if you need to. When asked to talk more quietly, apologise profusely and then completely disregard the request.

Don’t ever, ever clean anything. Just don’t. Your mother used to do all that for you, why should you start now? Why grow up? Even though you’re in your 30s? In fact, just to hammer home your point that other people should be cleaning up after you, place dirty dishes in the cupboards, in the rack among the clean dishes, or even throw them out the window if you really feel like it. Whatever.

Don’t turn off the stove top when you’re finished with it. Your mother used to do that for you. Forget that it’s a safety hazard. Burn through the filament. Let it burn! Melt the fish slice and then hide it among the garbage in the hope that no one will find it and eventually forget that it ever existed.

Leave the taps running as well. Your mother used to turn them off for you.

Eventually, put some chickpeas in a pan, place them on the stove at full power and go out for the rest of the day. The chickpeas will be burned to a crisp by the time someone gets home, the entire flat will be smoked out, the pan will be burned through and the stovetop will actually catch fire when the pan is removed.

All this time, deny everything. Even though three of the five people in the flat never use the kitchen anyway and the fourth person has been there far longer than you without any of these problem. Also, you’re the only person who cooks curry. When caught out, admit to making a mistake this once but promise it will never happen again and insist that it never happened before.

Before you actually get kicked out, when you feel it’s about to happen anyway, volunteer to leave the flat yourself. Make it sound as if you’ve been driven out by the unreasonable demands of your flatmates – you know, hygiene, common sense and general safety. Just behave as indignant as possible.

Also, your art really sucks. Maybe, in some sort of bizarre reversal of faith healing, you are actually trying to make people go blind?

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